how?

frankly, after today's news flash, i'm not sure how to react.

i'm confused. this is the first incident of a close family member passing away, since... well i guess since when my mum's mother passed away. the others i were aware of included the wife of my elder cousin on my dad's side, the husband of one of my mum's elder sister, and my grandmother's cousin who incidentally departed just last year.

so yes... it *should* be a good thing i'm not _experienced_ in this kind of emotion. i'm trying to feel dejected. but at the same time i'm trying to convince myself not to be sad, primarily because i'd have to focus on my studies. i think i'm basically trying not to care about the whole situation because if i started to think deep into it i'd actually start feeling distracted and upset. so i blockaded the whole episode of unhappiness...

i hate it when i start over-analysing things. especially in this case. but i'm prone to being rational and practical. probably feeling angry at myself for all this confusion i'm creating for myself... rather miffed. and helpless...?

goodness i've got the whole variety of feelings ALL AT ONCE!!! totally screwed up. hope i'm not raving mad.

may you rest in peace grandma... i'm sorry we didn't care for you all that much, leaving most of the caring to the maid. but everyone i'm sure feels sad that you'd left. i won't say it's a bad thing... but given all the ailments and sicknesses you had suffered throughout old age, you'll be more at peace now that you are gone. no more pain... we'll miss you. sorry this grandson isn't coming back to see you one last time... i'll visit you when i graduate and return to singapore...